Becoming at peace.

You may have noticed my continuing lack of posts lately.

It’s fall. Aka: Spring, in reverse. The crazy weather patterns are messing with me, as are all the molds and such in the air. Thankfully it’s not in the form of actually being sick, like coughing wheezing and all that stuff. Nope, instead I’m thinking unclearly, the ability to speak is something that comes and goes, and I can’t be positive I’ll be able to walk at any given time.

BUT…

It’s not a constant thing by any means and I’m still doing way better this fall, than last. As in, housework is mostly getting accomplished, many things I’ve been wanting to do have been done, and I’ve been speaking on the phone with people much more regularly (which is still far too little, but it’s a start).

They say this winter is going to be a rough one, I’m not sure what this means in Virginia, but I am wondering how I’ll fare in regards to the barometric pressure changes.

We’ll see.

Tim & I are not sure if we’ll be traveling much over these next few months, for the holidays. We’re thinking it’s better if we don’t because trips can really bring me down and that doesn’t jive well with the whole healing idea. But, we love to travel and want to see friends and family, and the idea of not going on road trips to see people is making me sad …so really no decision has been made.

Holidays while I’ve been sick have been a bit of a drag. Don’t get me wrong, celebrating anything with Tim and Rory rocks. But these are not the holidays I envisioned I’d be having at this point in my life.

Thankfully though, lately I’ve been becoming at peace with much that has bothered me. Even small things, like being stuck in traffic, I’m ok with, because it gives me a chance to look at the scenery and ponder. Not that I’d volunteer to be in traffic, it’s one of the things I most dislike about this area, but if I must be in it, I might at well enjoy it. If it makes me late, so be it, no need to stress out about it.

The same goes with bigger things like not traveling for the holidays. Yes, the idea of it makes me sad, but not in a fully depressed way. More in a “I wish I was there to enjoy time with people I seldom see” way. Still, if we don’t, we don’t. Tim and I will still be together. We’ll still celebrate. Walking around downtown last year, with near null cars or people out, was pretty cool. Perhaps we’ll make that a tradition: Christmas morning family walks.

Being at peace allows for more giving thanks. It allows for less worrying, and more healing.

My past was a bit shaky, due to the lack of understanding surrounding what was happening to me as a result of my surgeries. It’s hard to like the past you, when you can’t figure out why things were the way they were. I get it now though and I understand I was trying to do the best I could with what I had. Mistakes happened, but as long as I take them as learning experiences, perhaps they were never mistakes, but things I needed to learn. Perhaps mistakes are only regrets for decisions you didn’t fully believe in, but as long as you put thought and effort into everything you do and find understanding behind what you did, what is there to regret?

I’m becoming at peace with the fact that I’m not a fool and I’m not lazy. Yes, people have been mean, people refuse to understand. I’m becoming at peace with understanding that I can’t make them understand, because it’s how they are wired, it’s how their brain works. If they want to, they’ll find a way to “get it”. Until then, there’s no need to waste my effort or breath on a person who will only drain me.

I don’t know what wellness will mean for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever accomplish a lot of my goals because of this. Trying to do something is awesome and if I fail at my goals, no biggy, it was something to aim for, something to be passionate about.  The hope is I’ll find more normalcy with time, and this is what I’m rooting for. Still, if it never happens, if I’m forever in this neutral area of going in and out of functioning well, I’m ok with that. I’ll do what I can, when I can, and enjoy the times when I cannot for what they are: a time to heal, a time to ponder, a time to be still (well, in the living life sense, not usually in the lack of spasms sense).  I work to find alternatives to still make other dreams realities, and since I have many dreams, I know that inevitably some will come true.

Currently I’m married to my absolute best friend, live in the South, have a former kitten. I’m not feeling old (apparently many my age do, crazy talk), I’m healing, I still am able to help others, and I actually like myself (while knowing I have much to work on). These are all things I dreamed of at some point or another and they are now true (and only a few!).

Most of all, I feel that while I growing up I always knew what and who I didn’t want to be, I feel that now I am fully becoming aware of what and who I want to be. I know what I want my life to look like and the things I want to do. Some people never get that, so I am very thankful for this.

Dreaming big, while being at peace with the present, the past, and any potential futures -that’s me and I’m loving it.

-Katrina

P. S. Here’s hoping this isn’t just bunch of words, but rather makes sense to others, not just me!

 

Affordable Care Act Ponderings

Right now, I’m going through a bout of thinking tons, while having difficulty putting my thoughts into coherent paragraphs, as well as spoken sentences. So, bear with me.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to say if the person I was speaking to in this post decides to bring up their hatred of the Affordable Care Act again. Since we’ll be having dinner with them tomorrow, I thankfully figured it out today over my lunchtime conversation with Tim.

Again, putting thoughts into words and sentences is rough right now (half of my mid-day chat with Tim consisted of him having to carry the conversation, because I could not respond, he’s sweet like that though and still wants to stay on the phone with me even when I am in such a state).

My comments, from hence forth, to anyone choosing to bring up being against the Affordable Care Act:

Personally, I want an open market system across state borders, with the stipulation that no one can be denied coverage, nor have super high coverage, based on having a pre-existing condition. The Catholic Church could then start their own insurance company, or endorse a company, that does not cover abortions. Planned Parenthood could endorse or create one that covers the cost of abortions and birth control. Personally, I’d be all for a policy that’s more for alternative medicine. This is America, last thing I knew, we were obsessed with having choices. Why, why, why, must it be so complicated? I imagine it would be something like how car insurance works.

P. S.  In my home state of NH, you (well, most people) don’t legally have to have car insurance (read up on that here), so New Hampshirites also get uninsured/ underinsured coverage, to make sure they’re protected from those that choose to drive without insurance. Some food for thought.

Here we are though, many years into this whole affordable healthcare debate, and no body was able to get anything like that passed into law. So, for now, I am pleased with the Affordable Care Act, because of the reasons that I said in that other post. This is where I tell you why I have a beef with repealing the whole thing.

When the government initially shut down, the Republican Party was trying to nix this whole thing, which I might have been ok with, had they have said, “We’re scraping that one, but we have this super amazing better one.” Instead, what I mainly heard was:

“We think it’s more important to uphold our ideals, than it is for you sick people out there to be able to get affordable health insurance as of next year.”

Say all you want, but I believe my right to affordable health insurance is more important than your ideals. Anyone, at any time, can find themselves in my shoes.

I’m not asking for free insurance.

I’m asking for affordable.

Any complaints I’ve seen about the Health Insurance Market Place, regarding costs, say that they, with their family of 4, are being forced to pay in a month what we, with my husband’s policy through work, pay in month, and they can’t afford it.

The market place is income based, though, and for us, or insurance will be cut in half-ish, as far as I can tell (yeah, like everyone, I’m having trouble with the site, which is part of why I wish this wasn’t through the government, but again, this is what we have to work with for now). So, if you make enough money that the government deems you are able to pay for it, imagine how hard it is to pay with half that income and a ton of medical bills and the like NOT covered by your insurance.

I hope this made sense.

-Katrina.

Currently

- I have not been writing in the blog much. I’ve been pondering it a lot, but the thoughts never sorted their way into a post, but I’m ok with that. Hopefully in time it I will become a more regular blogger, if not, I’m ok with that.

- We are celebrating 1 year of Rory being in our lives (yesterday was the actual day). The plan was for us to have a cake and for her to have the joy of ripping a roll of toilet paper to shreds. Alas, for the first time ever, she could have cared less about a roll of toilet paper’s state of being. This was a major let down, as I was hoping for some epic pictures to share. Instead I have videos of her bewilderedly  staring at the toilet paper, that aren’t even funny enough for YouTube and that’s saying a lot, I know.

- I’m mulling over how to make said cake even better. It was 100% from scratch. I found it while on a Pinterest spree a while back under the name best chocolate cake. My Review: The icing was fantastic (I used cream) and the cake was super moist (even with me forgetting to add a bag of pudding to the mix), but I felt it had a bit of bitterness that I personally didn’t care for. The only changes I made was using whey instead of buttermilk (because it’s what I had) and I did not use the King Arthur Flour Black Cocoa, so I’m thinking it’s either from using the whey or the quality of coffee I used -Folgers. We’re not a coffee drinking, so I bought something inexpensive a while back (when I made the ever-so-complimented Nutella cupcakes. Still, Tim and I both agreed it was on par with something one would get a restaurant, so I’m not complaining.

-The HealthCare.Gov website is being finicky for me, as with most people. I have most of my profile set up, but not all, so I have yet to see what the actual offerings are. Still, I’m not too concerned, because we still have a bit of time. We did, however, receive a letter in the mail saying the insurance we buy through Tim’s work is going to be different next year, so there’s that. Really, I hope the government gets their act together on this one. Also, I would like to say that this process is still way better than applying for private insurance where they want to know every single detail about your health history. Yeah, that took like a week for me to fill out.

- The government is back up and running today. Living so close to D. C. and in a historical city, it did impact our area quite a bit. Although, in this house it basically meant we couldn’t go to the free sites we had planned to see over the past few weekends, as part of our wedding anniversary trip to Richmond (we still got to see the Confederate White House though, so all was not lost). Also, it reaffirmed my beliefs that it is better if the government is smaller, because right now it’s a big monopoly in more than one way; while also solidifying my want for more third party representation. There also may have been a few talks here and there about jumping an ocean, but that’s nothing new.

-Duolingo says I have a 23 day streak of daily use.  That’s 2 weeks with French, now on Level 5; and 3 weeks of Spanish, now on level 7.

That’s all.

-Katrina

The Perfect Storm

I’ve lost count of the days, but walking has not been a hobby of mine lately, rather my computer is currently my best friend. This is thanks to -ready for TMI?- getting sick, then surfing the crimson tide (Clueless, anyone?), followed by a hurricane forming in the Gulf. All. At. Once.

I ache. I walk mostly slow, crooked, and hunched over. I miss yoga. The dishes, the house, the everything is a mess. OH and to top it all off, I payed the bills not knowing I was in the phase of the sickness where ones brain cannot work. Now, if you recall, my brain’s not the best to begin with, so needless to say, we learned that our overdraft protection does indeed work and that I really should not have put Tim’s entire month of pay into savings. Thankfully I put “safety nets” into place a while ago to help in case of such an occasion.

*sigh*

A time to heal.

That’s not to say this is all bad, I’ve been soaking up all Duolingo can give me (and my brain can take, which was not much until recently, so this is awesome) in Spanish and even decided to start on French. It turns out I’m having an easier time with Spanish, now that I’ve started on French, because I’m doing better at not randomly remembering French words whose meanings I am unsure of. Instead, I remember them, know what they mean in French, then recall the Spanish. Coming soon: Moi, fluent in 3 languages. Well, that’s the hope. I will still need Rosetta Stone or a trip abroad, to perfect these skills. One thing is for sure, all the reverse order of words stuff sure has me wondering if I even speak English correctly (hint: no).

Still, if I could use this time to edit those photos from when I went to my grandfather’s funeral, so I could pass them along to the rest of the family, that would be great, but not so much. So, 2 languages I shall work on and hopefully the dishes actually get done today.

-Katrina

P. S. There’s actually a load in the dishwasher, that I loaded when I semi-felt well a few days ago, but was waiting until it was completely full to start. Tim and I both keep forgetting to turn it on. Yesterday, we ate soup with forks.

P. P. S. It’s really not that bad here, we just have a small kitchen, with much having been packed, because we hope to move soon. Yes, the kitchen is part of the reason.

P. P. P. S. Rory turned 1 possibly on Tuesday (we can only estimate the day of her birth, since Tim found her as a stray) so we gave her a package of salmon that we knew was a bit more than she normally eats. She scarfed 3/4 of it down, instantly threw it up in a perfect log formation, then immediately attempted to eat said puke. We all agreed it was her best birthday celebration yet.

P. P. P. P. S. Porphyrius’ new owner has apparently sold him to questionable people via Craigslist, because his frame finally broke. This is breaking my heart. The good news is that I think my brother-in-law grabbed the CB for me, so at least I might have a small bit of the Good Sir.

Currently…

Currently I am:

~ trying to get over being sick, thanks to Tim passing along what he apparently was given by his co-workers. I had been doing so well, but it’s not a bad thing that it semi set me back, rather it is another reminder of why going back to work right now is not feasible …’cuz when I get the slightest bit sick I lose gross and fine motor skill, as well as lack the ability think straight. Those both are pretty important skills ones need on the job, at least in my experience.

~ super excited about a business idea I have, one that I think we can actually do sooner than later, as in while I’m still in healing mode. Tim likes it and agrees, so there’s a start. Until I am well enough to really do anything with it, I can spend my time simmering on ideas.

~ thankful and surprised that we were specifically given a share of this week’s CSA from the local garden. It was given to our neighbor/landlord with instructions that it be given to “Tim & Tina” …close enough! We know a lot of people active it, but personally do not have a share purchased. We debated this past Spring, but seeing how we were gone most the summer, I’m glad we did not. However, when we are able to, it’d be nice to buy a share, then instruct them to give any shares we could not pick-up to a local family …perhaps that’s how we acquired this one?

~pondering what to make with all the said yummy goodness given to us! (some of which I’m only guessing as to what it is…)

~loving that I might be able to at least affordably develop film (which I’ll then scan into my computer) until I’m able to get into a darkroom because of coming across this:

-obsessed with working towards becoming fluent in Spanish (finally!), via Duolingo, an awesome and free language learning website. So far I’m mainly reviewing that which I learned in my previous college courses, but I’m amazed at how much I remember and how quickly I’m picking up new things because of its immersion-esque teaching format. The hope is to do Spanish, then French (which I took 4 years of in high school), then move on to German. My experience with that last one is mainly from asking my fluent friend to translate phrases, rather than paying attention in high school (you know, important stuff like “We are the Planeteers!”) and listening to my Rammstein tape (which I really need to buy on CD), so it’ll be interesting to see how I do on that one.

-hoping that the government won’t shut down and that I will be able to buy my own health insurance next year, independent of my husband’s job, while trying really hard not to be pessimistic about it.

-hoping that Tim and I will both be over being sick and able to go to a yoga class this weekend.

-Excited to see the new Michael J. Fox show this weekend (thank you Hulu). This might be why we’ve been watching “Family Ties” all summer, while nothing new was on TV.

-disappointed that I wasn’t obsessed, like I used to be, with the new “Whose line is it anyway?” Maybe I just need to see more episodes?

-amazed that my not-as-little-as-she-once-was kitten will be 1, next week!

-Katrina

My frustrating tale with health insurance

Discussions, debating, sharing points of view, challenging ideas: these are all things I love.

Expecting these things and receiving a lecture? Not so much.

In 2 weeks we discover what exactly the “open-market” part of “Obama Care” is, causing much chatter as to what it will mean for all of us. The other night someone Tim & I were dining with chose to bring it up, via stating that they had heard people were going to have to inform doctors, even ones like podiatrists, that it would seem ridiculous to tell, of how many sexual partners they’ve had.

Now, I know that this person and I typically have clashing views when it comes to both politics and religion, so I’ve learned to avoid such topics with them, but they had brought it up. I know I could have just said: “Huh, Interesting,” but a while back I realized that a lot of my relationships with people seemed to be semi-fake, because I never expressed my ideas or opinions, mainly for the sake of avoiding arguments and such. This lead most people thinking I agreed with them or having no clue as to who I was as a person. So, I decided I would state my opinion when asked or was really was sick of hearing all about something I truly did not believe in. The latter was the reason that I chose to challenge this persons statement, which in-turn caused a heated discussion -one of those things that I love, so long as the other person gets that we can have differing opinions and that’s OK. I realized during the course of our exchange of words, that this person really had no idea how insurance has been “working” for people like me. The problem I see with that, is if you are going to be vehemently for or opposed to something, do some in-depth research as to what the current alternative is for the person you pick a battle with. By time the conversation was ending, I’m not sure the other person could even understand the point I was trying to make, because they were trying so hard to prove me wrong about something I semi-agreed with them on.

So, I figured I’d share my stance here, so that perhaps others can understand.

First, let me say that I am not a fan of anyone being told they have to buy anything they don’t want to. Do I think it’s foolish not to have health insurance? Yes. Have I personally gone without it before? Yup. I was raised in New Hampshire, though, and their motto of “Live free or die” mostly sums up my beliefs (although, for the record, I’m a moderate), so I think we should have choices when it comes to our health care. The idea of all American’s being on the same plan does not make me happy, unless it were some ultra fantastic plan, which would be really hard, because we all have different wants and needs.

That being said, I don’t think that “Obama Care” is the worst thing ever, in fact, as far as I can tell, it addresses many concerns people like me have. Of course, I understand where people with differing opinions are coming from, and they will be mad if their payments go up and such, but please, try to be sympathetic of those of us with pre-existing conditions. Maybe you think people like me shouldn’t be given slack, you wouldn’t be the first to tell me such things, but just remember I grew up barely even being affected by my hydrocephalus. It came out of the blue when I was 10 and by time I needed my second surgery when I was 20, it was surreal, since it was always a hypothetical “what-if” thing that was discussed. So, regardless of that second surgery, my story would be the same, because any pre-existing condition, is still a pre-existing condition.

Health insurance has plagued me since I was approaching the age one had to leave their parent’s policy. For those graduating when I did, this was when one left high school. I continued on to college, though, so I didn’t really get hit with it until I was in my second semester of sophomore year. This was the semester I had to have my second brain surgery. We found out in mid-Feruary of 2005 and even though Spring Break was only a few weeks away, it could not wait. So, I had the surgery and my father gave me the following choices, with the thought process that either would allow me to have health insurance (since COBRA was too expensive): stay in school full-time or get a full time job.  Neither of these seemed conducive to healing, but staying in school seemed a bit less stressful. Soon, though, it was obvious it was too much for me  and I dropped to part-time course load and convinced the school to let me stay in my dorm. Did we tell the insurance company? No. Did they ever ask? No -thank God. A few months after this all went down, New Hampshire did pass Michelle’s Law, declaring that Health Insurance could not drop students who had taken time off for medical reasons. Unfortunately, while it could have helped me back then, I didn’t find out about it until I was out of school.

Since the Affordable Health Care Act passed, children can be covered under their parent’s policy’s until age 26, regardless of whether they are in school or not.

When I was approaching graduating college in 2007, I wasn’t sure how I would continue to have coverage. This was right when the economy took a dive and full-time insurance providing jobs were hard to acquire. At first I worked part-time at Starbucks, knowing that had an insurance plan for even their part-time workers. What I didn’t know my entire pay check would pay for it and it would cover next-to nothing. I soon found a better paying job, whose hours clashed, so I took it, and walked away from having insurance. A month later I added a job through a temp agency. Their insurance was inexpensive enough, but again, was not worth what little money I put into it. Thankfully, shortly after, my now husband soon found a job that offered excellent, inexpensive insurance and when we married 2 months later, I immediately had coverage. It was a crummy job, that consisted of being in a freezer in the negative digits all day, which we knew couldn’t be overly good for his health (and it wasn’t), but like I said, the economy was down. Any new jobs we found, their insurance was much higher, yet their pay was not.

Then 3 years later, Tim lost his job, while the current company I worked at didn’t even offer health insurance, so we took the new job Tim had just been offered (since we had been trying to live closer to my doctors in Virginia for a few months now). The timing was great. The pay? Low. The insurance? Super expensive and it didn’t cover any of the not-so-traditioal therapies I needed (whereas our previous insurance did) and we’d have to wait 6 months for it to kick-in.

This is when I finally learned the facts about insurance. COBRA, costing the same as our rent, was out of the question, because as much money as we had saved, it wasn’t enough to cover that and emergencies. Although, if I wanted continuous full coverage not dependent on Tim’s job, I would have to stay on COBRA as long as his previous company decided -up to a year and a half- then I could jump to the other super expensive private policy, with no interruption in coverage. I could not simply switch plans right then. So I applied around and was rejected from most private policy’s due to pre-existing conditions (one company didn’t even site Hydrocephalus as their reason for rejection, rather, it was my history of migraines, which I haven’t had in years). The remaining plans cost as much as our rent and wouldn’t cover my pre-existing conditions for 6 months. We made too much money to qualify for Medicare and I wasn’t on disability, so I couldn’t get Medicade. There was the new plan, through the government made for people like me (part of the initial changes, prior to insurance company’s not being able to reject those with pre-existing conditions), but you had to have no insurance for 6 months, before you were able to be accepted into it, where at least with a short-term policy I’d have everything but pre-existing conditions covered. So that’s what we did and 6 months later we agreed to pay way too much for not much coverage (but they did cover childbirths, at which point adding this new being to our plan would bring our premium up to roughly the amount Tim makes in the non-busy season, and yes, this is the cheapest plan his company offers).

In contrast, during our time of being privately insured, we found a $100 a month policy for my husband, that had rather nice coverage. Tim’s ridiculously healthy. Did I mention, that while I -who barely drinks and has never smoked or done drugs- have these troubles getting insured, there are plenty of people able to become insured with no problem who do these things that cause tons of health problems. Yeah, not cool.

So then came they point where we thought about moving. We had discovered that because of this Affordable Health Care Act, states were creating high risk pools that would inexpensively cover people who usually can’t get insurance. Hydrocephalus was one of the things on that list and just 30 minutes away was a Maryland, with one of these high-risk pools. We started to apply to jobs there, but then learned that Maryland has politics much like Massachusetts, which wasn’t so fun to deal with when we lived there, so, along with a few other reasons, we chose to no longer move there. We entertained the idea of returning to New Hampshire, since they also have one, but upon speaking with my doctor we were told Neuro-feedback isn’t that good north of the Hudson River.

In 9 days, on October 1st, we find out what my options are and as far as I can tell, it’ll only benefit us. We’re used to paying out of pocket for my care, so really I’d just be happy to have an inexpensive policy that covers major problems. But really, just the ability to have a policy, independent of whether or not my husband is working (you know, like car insurance) would be nice.

I know “Obama Care” is one highly controversial topic and I wasn’t rooting for it, ever, but, something needed to happen to help people like me. Finally it seems like it has, meaning tons of people can get past this wall in their lives. You might pay a little more, but I’ll pay a ton less, meaning I can finally receive even more of the care I need, get well quicker, and move on with my life. My husband won’t have to tie what jobs he takes, to me and my healthcare. Life will be better. If it’s not, I will admit it, but for now, I’m choosing to see all the positive things already brought forward by this (and this isn’t a full list of how it’s impacted me), rather than even consider all the “Well I heard…” comments. I’ve seen that it’s helping, and no it’s not perfect, but it is helping, and hopefully we can make it even better with time.

-Katrina

Feeling ready

Forever and ever, and ever, I have been ready to be well. Maybe I’ve mentioned this before?

Right now, currently and for the past few weeks, I truly feel as if I am making strides in this, and I am ready to start testing my limits  a bit more.

Yoga, outside of my home, is one of the first things I want to try. I’ve found semi-close by studio (which would be close by if not for traffic…) that offers heated yoga. The idea is that the room is warmed up, helping to ease the stretching and increase the amount you sweat to aide in pushing out toxins, which all will help the flow of one’s cranial-sacreal fluid. An added bonus? The potential for new local friends AND something to do while Tim is basically living at work for the busy season.

Another step I’m taking is calling people. Ever since speaking, thinking, being super emotional, stuttering, and things like randomly throwing the phone across the room (because I’m flailing), became an issue, I haven’t been one to pick up the phone willingly to have a chat. Lately, though, all of these have been happening far, far less often and I think good friends would understand (and hopefully laugh along with me, rather than at) should if I suddenly find myself repeating the same sentence 10 times. Besides, if they don’t, I’m pretty sure they’re not good friends, nor do I need to be calling them. Yes, I’m a bit scared, but I think I’m ready. The goal I’m aiming for is to call someone different each week.

P. S. I am a huge fan of confronting things that scare me, but this is a double hit, as aside from all the reasons listed, I also have a fear that anyone I call secretly doesn’t want to talk to me and I’m just annoying them. I’m pretty sure it stems from having many not-so-good drawn out friendships in the past, but I’m working hard to shake that feeling. The traveling this summer helped a lot, which is part of what’s motivating me to try this out.

Here’s to moving forward, facing fears, and seeking normalcy in life.

-Katrina

 

 

And so, here we are.

Hello September, and basically Fall, I didn’t expect to see you so soon!

The summer that was supposed to be no so exciting traveling-wise, turned out to be super busy.

First, there was a week and a half long trip to Illinois, along with Pennsylvania. Then, a week and a half later, there was an extended weekend jot to Connecticut, Boston, New Hampshire, & Road Island, to see family, friends, and attend my 10 year high school reunion. Lastly, 2 days after returning from that trip, was yet another extended weekend venture to Illinois, which happened 2 weeks ago, to attend my Grandfather’s funeral, which included a stop in Kentucky to see an old friend I hadn’t seen in… nearly 6 years.

Did I mention this was all by car? Yup. We’re avoiding flights until pressure changes don’t mess with me as much. Hopefully, this happens soon.

So, we’re totally living up to one of my New Year’s Resolution’s: Do the things I don’t normally do & go to the places I don’t normally go. I’ve also reacquainted myself with many friends and family I had lost touch with over the years, reaffirming some old friendships, finding common ground with relatives I never really knew.  We even were able to see all our grandparent’s Alas, our savings account is none too happy with us, and Tim & I both are currently rid of the car-trip bug that had been nagging us so much during our 7 month hiatus from traveling (which totally seemed longer).

This trips were kind of against my doctors orders, but interestingly enough, they seem to have been exactly what I needed health-wise. The monotony of life at home prior these breaks from everyday life, was resulting in me not feeling well more often than not. Now? Now I’ve been doing fantastic. Well, there was a lot of sleeping at first, but that also made me realized that normally one sleeps when they are healing, so I shouldn’t fight that urge, as much as my inner 2-year-old is telling me that naps are for the lazy & uncool kids.

Also, after eating copious amounts of not-so-healthy food during these trips, Tim and I both are craving a super healthy diet. Harder on the wallet? A little bit. Totally worth it and super tasty? Indeed. Plus, it gives my an excuse to make stuff I’ve been wanting to try out, but have been shying away from because it costs a bit more.

So, here we are. It is Fall: my most favorite season (don’t get me wrong, they all are great in their own way, but growing up in New England, you can top Fall -Eddie From Ohio, I love you, but you are incorrect on this one). Rory will be 1 year old soon, Tim and I will celebrate our 6 year anniversary shortly there after, and slowly the days will become colder (or not, this is Virginia, it’s not guaranteed, depending on your definition of cold).

I’m excited for the celebrations that will come over the next few months and hopeful that with my new daily regiment of sleeping, stretching, drawing, & meditating, will enable me to mostly keep up with it all.

-Katrina

Win this goal.

           Always on the Sidelines

     Always sitting Out

Not Sure

-unsure-

Whatdo thitime

    Better to do without.

Better due without.

Move ahead. Do Ahead.

DaysDays, Days,

Kinda sorta Something

Standing in a daze.

Move aheadDo ahead.

Go! Go! Go!

MovAheadDue Ahead

Win This Goal

Yesterday I had an appointment with my neuropsychologist, for my monthly-ish neurofeedback session. Usually the psychologist end of my doctor’s training isn’t so obvious when I see him, but upon looking at the above poem and a few other sketches with words, while viewing some of my brain-doodles for the month, he did a very comforting and insightful analysis.

The other drawings had the words:

IDoesn‘t Need To Define

Ihas no Need 

To Define

Who You Are.

That which you are

and

             Don’t Let it

             Define

             that which

             you will

             BE

He discussed with me the conflict he could see inside of me about the “me” that ever was and is, and the “me” that currently appears or has previously appeared, due to the problems within my brain. When I wrote those words, I was thinking a lot about how others perceive me, especially those that aren’t really involved with my healing journey, but knew me back before all this happened -basically everyone we saw on our trip west and north. The inner “me” is hard to show with all these problems, but my doctor assured me she’s still in there, she is always in there. It seems, if one looks, right now they will see:

The stay at home wife that shuffles between spending hours being over emotional, excessively lazy, and overly ambitious.

The so called artist and photographer person who’s career appears to be stagnant.

The absentee aunt, who can’t string beads or handle creek hopping and often cannot call or write.

The sister who always has an excuse for never being as good as she was or intended to be.

The daughter who is a failure in so many ways.

The worker who can’t remember things, regardless of the amount of reminders, is lazy, and perpetually calling in.

The friend who cancels, more often than not, has trouble making conversation, and is perpetually awkward.

I can’t deny being all of those things, and more, but underneath that all is the person people once knew and loved -the person that I am. Few people understand and still see me as the person I always was. I am amazed by these people, some of whom I’ve only met briefly, because it even becomes foggy to me at times.

Because of these mixed feeling that I have about who I truly am, I can understand why others are apprehensive of me and I’m not sure they will ever get it, even once I’m well, but I do know it’s not my problem if they don’t (at least, I know this is what I need, and want, to believe, but it’s a struggle). Part of why I started this blog, was in hopes they that don’t understand, might understand better.

I am determined to win this goal, my goal, to heal.

-Katrina

Currently

Currently, I am:

thankful that our long trip went very well and that Tim and I both got to know my Illinois family better.

constantly thinking back to my own wedding and honeymoon and how Tim & I have changed and grown since that day, as well as all the unexpected turns life has taken us through, since attending a wedding on Saturday for 2 people, whom Tim and I truly believe belong together.

hoping that I am feeling well enough this week to edit the photos from the trip, so I can share them with the world. I became a bit sick towards the end of the trip, which in-turn threw off my walking, thinking, and such. I’m not putting pressure on myself to have it done, but I’m hoping to have them up before our friends return from their trip to Cancun.

frustrated at Rory’s behavior lately. Aside from her scratching at the banister and chewing on the window blinds while we were away (the landlord was the petsitter, so he already knows), she’s been quick to bite since we came back. I’m sure it has to do with the lack of attention she received while we were away, which doesn’t make the fact that we’re traveling next weekend -so long as I feel up to it- any easier. This time we’re going to put her in a super nice boarding place, though, so long as we like it after we visit it, to prevent our house from any additional damage and to not be such a burden on our landlord.

resting lots. The hope is if I super focus on healing and therapies, then I will be able to handle this upcoming trip. However, I’m fully prepared to cancel it, depending on how I’m doing.

longing to have my illness not play such a huge roll in my life.

searching for a local Reflexologist and Reiki person. I went to one whom my Aunt see’s in Illinois and it was a wonderful experience. She was able to help me when I was having a bit of trouble midway through our travels. Previously I did not have a good experience at  reflexologist, so I was glad to see it was due to the person working on me, not the practice itself.

hoping we can head back west more often than we have been.

pondering what to do for our anniversary and Tim’s birthday. I have ideas, but I’m not sure we can afford them, so it’s time to look into more realistic ones.

wondering what will happen over the remainder of the year.

-Katrina