You may have noticed my continuing lack of posts lately.
It’s fall. Aka: Spring, in reverse. The crazy weather patterns are messing with me, as are all the molds and such in the air. Thankfully it’s not in the form of actually being sick, like coughing wheezing and all that stuff. Nope, instead I’m thinking unclearly, the ability to speak is something that comes and goes, and I can’t be positive I’ll be able to walk at any given time.
It’s not a constant thing by any means and I’m still doing way better this fall, than last. As in, housework is mostly getting accomplished, many things I’ve been wanting to do have been done, and I’ve been speaking on the phone with people much more regularly (which is still far too little, but it’s a start).
They say this winter is going to be a rough one, I’m not sure what this means in Virginia, but I am wondering how I’ll fare in regards to the barometric pressure changes.
Tim & I are not sure if we’ll be traveling much over these next few months, for the holidays. We’re thinking it’s better if we don’t because trips can really bring me down and that doesn’t jive well with the whole healing idea. But, we love to travel and want to see friends and family, and the idea of not going on road trips to see people is making me sad …so really no decision has been made.
Holidays while I’ve been sick have been a bit of a drag. Don’t get me wrong, celebrating anything with Tim and Rory rocks. But these are not the holidays I envisioned I’d be having at this point in my life.
Thankfully though, lately I’ve been becoming at peace with much that has bothered me. Even small things, like being stuck in traffic, I’m ok with, because it gives me a chance to look at the scenery and ponder. Not that I’d volunteer to be in traffic, it’s one of the things I most dislike about this area, but if I must be in it, I might at well enjoy it. If it makes me late, so be it, no need to stress out about it.
The same goes with bigger things like not traveling for the holidays. Yes, the idea of it makes me sad, but not in a fully depressed way. More in a “I wish I was there to enjoy time with people I seldom see” way. Still, if we don’t, we don’t. Tim and I will still be together. We’ll still celebrate. Walking around downtown last year, with near null cars or people out, was pretty cool. Perhaps we’ll make that a tradition: Christmas morning family walks.
Being at peace allows for more giving thanks. It allows for less worrying, and more healing.
My past was a bit shaky, due to the lack of understanding surrounding what was happening to me as a result of my surgeries. It’s hard to like the past you, when you can’t figure out why things were the way they were. I get it now though and I understand I was trying to do the best I could with what I had. Mistakes happened, but as long as I take them as learning experiences, perhaps they were never mistakes, but things I needed to learn. Perhaps mistakes are only regrets for decisions you didn’t fully believe in, but as long as you put thought and effort into everything you do and find understanding behind what you did, what is there to regret?
I’m becoming at peace with the fact that I’m not a fool and I’m not lazy. Yes, people have been mean, people refuse to understand. I’m becoming at peace with understanding that I can’t make them understand, because it’s how they are wired, it’s how their brain works. If they want to, they’ll find a way to “get it”. Until then, there’s no need to waste my effort or breath on a person who will only drain me.
I don’t know what wellness will mean for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever accomplish a lot of my goals because of this. Trying to do something is awesome and if I fail at my goals, no biggy, it was something to aim for, something to be passionate about. The hope is I’ll find more normalcy with time, and this is what I’m rooting for. Still, if it never happens, if I’m forever in this neutral area of going in and out of functioning well, I’m ok with that. I’ll do what I can, when I can, and enjoy the times when I cannot for what they are: a time to heal, a time to ponder, a time to be still (well, in the living life sense, not usually in the lack of spasms sense). I work to find alternatives to still make other dreams realities, and since I have many dreams, I know that inevitably some will come true.
Currently I’m married to my absolute best friend, live in the South, have a former kitten. I’m not feeling old (apparently many my age do, crazy talk), I’m healing, I still am able to help others, and I actually like myself (while knowing I have much to work on). These are all things I dreamed of at some point or another and they are now true (and only a few!).
Most of all, I feel that while I growing up I always knew what and who I didn’t want to be, I feel that now I am fully becoming aware of what and who I want to be. I know what I want my life to look like and the things I want to do. Some people never get that, so I am very thankful for this.
Dreaming big, while being at peace with the present, the past, and any potential futures -that’s me and I’m loving it.
P. S. Here’s hoping this isn’t just bunch of words, but rather makes sense to others, not just me!